“You’re so emotional and over sensitive”, those were the words from my now ex-husband and it really hurt. During our last 3 years together I’d shut down how I felt and put it all in a box to deal with later on. I wasn’t ready to open the Pandora’s Box of how I felt so I put my mask on, at work, on family holidays and in my everyday life keeping up the pretence that nothing was wrong.

Yet inside my heart was aching, I couldn’t understand why I didn’t love him anymore and I couldn’t then explain to him. I was all heart and he was all logic, yet what has once worked amazingly and felt like a fairy tale became a nightmare.

For a long time after that I didn’t trust how I felt, as I only saw my feelings that had caused hurt and pain. It’s taken my years, firstly to release all those feelings and secondly learn to voice how I feel and give them the air they deserve.

Many women I speak to and work with, wear that mask the mask of everything is okay yet in reality it’s far from okay. Yet they’re too scared to speak and they’ve lost their voice. So they surrender more and more to a life they don’t want, so we work to bring them back to who they are and a life they love.

 

“You’re so OVER Emotional”

“You’re over emotional”

“I just don’t understand how you can feel like that.”

“Your feelings are irrational, I don’t get it.”

“You’re so unpredictable, one minute up and the next down.”

“You’re so selfish when it comes to how you feel, the world doesn’t revolve around you”

^^^ All ways of implying that the right thing to do is shut down how you feel and fall into wearing the mask of a good, happy life even if you don’t have one.

It seems that society, has lead us to believe that sharing your emotions and how you feel is weak and makes you unpredictable.

If you think back to when you were a little, mini cute version of you and if you’d fallen over, your mum would do her best to stop your crying, to stop the pain and hurt and that might mean treats or rewards. But the reality is we’re pulled away from our emotions and feelings all our life. So to come back to them is incredibly brave.

If you look at men, it’s hardly surprising suicide is highest cause of death in the UK as men are taught to “Man up” or sharing how you feel is “being a p*ssy”.

In my mind, there’s nothing stronger you can do.

To open your heart, show up and share. It opens the door to courage, in fact cour means from the heart so courage is speaking from the heart. The more I speak from the heart the better my life gets, it’s when I connect most with people AND it’ll either draw them in or push them away. Either is fine that’s their right to choose.

 

The Truth About How You Feel 

 

To see the world in a more confident way these truths are the basis of what I teach and coach. From the shift I’ve had in my life, thinking of feelings like this has changed my world.

  1. Our Feelings are Our Hearts GPS, guiding us to where we should be even if that scares or terrifies us.
  2. Feelings are guiding us to what we need to experience, know or understand to become more of who we’re meant to be. More of ourselves.
  3. Feelings are not meant to hurt you, or cause you pain. Neither are they there to cause you shame and embarrassment.
  4. Feelings are not right or wrong, black and white and always clear. You can’t be “wrong”
  5. Feelings can’t be put in a box and ignored, they’ll always pop back up like a forest fire not put up properly.
  6. Feelings that are ignored, will grow and demand to be heard. From that niggle in your relationship until it becomes a thing.

 

The Difference Between Feelings and Emotions

So I like to be clear about what’s going on in the brain so you can understand that it’s not “you” as such, so let’s have a look at the Noggin Knowledge here.

So firstly emotions;

  • These are automatic and pre-programmed.
  • We are born with them and don’t need to learn them
  • They only have 2 purposes, to support survival and detract from what many endanger survival.
  • These are lead from the amygdala scanning the environment and are subconscious.
  • There are 7 primary emotions, fear, panic, seeking, care, lust, play and rage.

Eg I feel fear and I’m scared.

Then feelings:

  • These are the meanings that we give to our emotions.
  • They are the stories that lie behind the fear and the definitions we give to our experiences
  • They are built on our experiences and history, so are completely individual.
  • They run through the amygdala scanning the environment, emotion flowing from that trigger and then the story we give it within our basal ganglia … so the filing cabinet of our experiences.
  • And the AMAZING news they can be changed, they can be upgraded to who we are now.

Eg I feel scared about speaking to my partner about how I feel. What will they say? How will they react? And will they still love me?

 

The Truth About How You Feel  

To see the world in a more confident way these truths are the basis of what I teach and coach. From the shift I’ve had in my life, thinking of feelings like this has changed my world.

  1. Our Feelings are Our Hearts GPS, guiding us to where we should be even if that scares or terrifies us.
  2. They are triggered by our environment, from feedback from all our senses so if you’re not feeling great about something look at the environment you’re in … the building, décor, people what comes up for you.
  3. Feelings are guiding us to what we need to experience, know or understand to become more of who we’re meant to be. More of ourselves.
  4. Feelings are not meant to hurt you, or cause you pain. Neither are they there to cause you shame and embarrassment.
  5. Feelings are not right or wrong, black and white and always clear. You can’t be “wrong”
  6. Feelings can’t be put in a box and ignored, they’ll always pop back up like a forest fire not put up properly.
  7. Feelings that are ignored, will grow and demand to be heard. From that niggle in your relationship until it becomes a thing.

 

It’s All On You

How you feel is all within you, the secrets to who you are and what you want is all there waiting to be found. The exciting part is that all this is within YOU, you only need to take some time to slow down and hit pause to let yourself be and feel-in to your feelings.

You have all the answers within you.

They’re in your story

They’re in your feelings

They’re in your emotions.

They’re in your beliefs

They’re in your values

They’re in your experiences

They’re in your passions

They’re all diamonds in the rough, waiting to be found. It’s your mission to find them and my purpose to lead you to them.

Oh AND they can be changed in a simple way, I have a process for that 😉 It’s simple but maybe not easy and I know many women have delayed working with me for fear of how they feel, yet it doesn’t change until they look at what’s there.

AND the influence of environments is HUGE, they trigger the reactions from what’s around us so if you have some strong feelings about something the clues will be in the environment.

 

Your Steps to Knowing and Trusting Your Emotions More

1) Take time to STOP and Be

When you’re in the doing of life, caught firm in the CANNOT stop for fear of what might happen and the impact on others it’s hard to feel. The feeling will be rush, stress and overwhelm. So take some time to slow down, to Feel-In to how you are Feeling. Even 5 minutes over a cuppa or at the start of the day, ask yourself how do I feel?

2) Give your feelings AIR

Your feelings want to be heard and be in the world, so give them AIR and the attention they deserve. Get yourself a journal and start to just write down, how do I feel right now. I do it daily and notice I’m so much calmer when I do this as I’ve listened and honoured how I feel.

3) The Truth Will Set You Free

The truth sometimes is hard so we bury it under busy, for women giving everything to everyone else so there’s no space left for them. BUT it’s always there and doesn’t go away, the niggle about your partner, the challenging conversations you’ve not had or the admitting you need a little more support. If you don’t attend to them, they grow to get your attention. “Hey over here” you need to listen to this. So if you don’t know how you feel go back to your truths.

 4) Don’t be Scared or Ashamed

Feelings are nothing to be scared of or ashamed about, they’re not there to hurt you or cause you pain. They are your heart’s GPS saying “oi you, this way”. And if you’re feeling scared and ashamed start with being truthful about how you feel to yourself.

5) Remember Emotions and Feelings are Different

Remember that difference between feelings and emotions, emotions are just are automatic response and the feelings are based on the meaning we give it. So know that you can change how you feel.

6) Start a Brave Streak

Start to listen and act on your feelings, little by little build up that self-esteem bank account of trusting yourself that you can act on how you feel and it leads you down the road you needed to go down. One of my amazing VIP clients, started with this when she was worried about asking a question in her course, she started with one question and now she’s feeling more confident and honouring her investment in the course sharing her ideas and asking questions.

This might all sound scary, if it does that’s okay it’s your brains way of resisting change to keep you safe. But it’s normal and natural, just start small and build from there.

Big love

Nic x

 

Kickstart knowing who you are and what you want by taking the StrongHer 7 day Self Love Challenge. A proven way to start to know, love and be you. 

 

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